Here's an email I sent to the National Opinion Survey back in 2005, when their fine website wouldn't allow me to sign up because, it said, I had an "invalid last name." Also, I'm not black.
To Whom It May Concern,
So I woke up this morning, got online, saw a link to your survey site and thought, 'what the hell, I'll sign up, do some surveys;' I'm very politically and socially active, you see. So I filled out the entire form, yet, lo and behold, it refused to sign me up, stating, as it were, that I had an Invalid Last Name. Jumping Jiminy Christ! I have an Invalid Last Name! I called my mother, who's currently serving a three year stretch in Sing-Sing for training ants to disguise themselves as rice and employing them to rob Chinese restaurants--but that, as they say, is neither here nor there. What is here, and also there, I suppose, is that when I called my mother and informed her that your rotten website stated that I had an Invalid Last Name, she cried and renounced her faith in Christ. So thank you for upsetting my mother and causing her to lose faith.
Now, come on, can't we still be friends? Sure, I know that my last name happens to begin with what one might construe a 'naughty word,' but, sweet Jesus!, it's my last name. No kidding. My last name is Dickey. Yet, according to your crooked website, it's Invalid. Invalid, no doubt, because you use some kind of filter designed to weed out bogus last names and uncouth language. But come on, man! I cannot partake in your online surveys because I have an Invalid last name? Or is there something more sinister going on here? Is it because I'm black? It's because I'm black, isn't it, you goddamn, dirty racialist bastards! I'll call the Better Business Bureau! I'll resurrect Johnny Cochrane and sue! Oh, you rat bastards are going to pay. First you make me feel like a douche because my last name begins with these innocent letters--D-I-C-K--that, when put together in this specific order, happen to spell out a curse word--a curse word, I might add, that isn't even considered a real curse word anymore; hell, you hear it on television day and night! And then, as if that wasn't enough, you deny me entrance into your website because I'm a black man! Oh, you bastards will pay!
Now, come on, can't we still be friends? Sure, I know that my last name happens to begin with what one might construe a 'naughty word,' but, sweet Jesus!, it's my last name. No kidding. My last name is Dickey. Yet, according to your crooked website, it's Invalid. Invalid, no doubt, because you use some kind of filter designed to weed out bogus last names and uncouth language. But come on, man! I cannot partake in your online surveys because I have an Invalid last name? Or is there something more sinister going on here? Is it because I'm black? It's because I'm black, isn't it, you goddamn, dirty racialist bastards! I'll call the Better Business Bureau! I'll resurrect Johnny Cochrane and sue! Oh, you rat bastards are going to pay. First you make me feel like a douche because my last name begins with these innocent letters--D-I-C-K--that, when put together in this specific order, happen to spell out a curse word--a curse word, I might add, that isn't even considered a real curse word anymore; hell, you hear it on television day and night! And then, as if that wasn't enough, you deny me entrance into your website because I'm a black man! Oh, you bastards will pay!
Your Brother in Christ,
Rev. Dickey.
Unsurprisingly, I never received a reply.
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